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COURSE 200: INTRODUCTION TO CLINICAL TRAINING IN IMAGO RELATIONSHIP THERAPY _______________________________ Trainees' Toolbox Segments 1 & 2 Updated November 2019

A new way to love

Imago International Training Institute

www.imagotraining.org www.imagotraining.info Imago Clinical Training Manual Toolbox Days 1 & 2 - IITI© Page 1

Table of Contents Table of contents ................................................................................... 2 Schedule for Training Segments 1 and 2 ..................................................... 3 Overview of Segment 1 ........................................................................... 4 Journal suggestions ................................................................................ 5 Imago Dialogue "Mirroring" with Facilitator Guidelines .................................... 6 Imago Dialogue - "Mirroring" Handout for Couples ...................................... 10 Imago Dialogue - Mirroring - Summary: Handout for Couples ........................ 12 Imago Feedback Process - 1 & 2 .............................................................. 13 Process: Levels of Awareness Exercise ...................................................... 14 Overview of Segment 2 ............................................................................ 15 Full Imago Dialogue with Facilitator Guidelines ............................................. 16-20 Full Imago Dialogue - Handout for clients ..................................................... 21-23 Full Imago Dialogue Summary - Handout for clients ....................................... 24 Full Imago Dialogue - Directions and key phrases ......................................... 25 Imago Feedback Process - 2 ..................................................................... 26 Appreciation Dialogue with Facilitator Guidelines ........................................... 27-28 Appreciation Dialogue - Handout for Clients ................................................. 29 The Imago Work-Ups - Childhood .............................................................. 30-32 - Pa rtne r .................................................................. 33-37 Imago Clinical Training Manual Toolbox Days 1 & 2 - IITI© Page 2

Schedule for Training Days 1 and 2 MODULE 1-A COURSE OUTLINESegment 1 Introductions Basic ideas and assumptions of Imago theory Overview of Imago Relationship Therapy The Relational Paradigm Aspects of an Imago practice High Energy Fun Intentionality Imago Dialogue - Mirroring Demonstration (DVD and/or live) Imago Feedback Process - 1 The Imago dialogue - Mirroring Practice - as participant -as facilitator Feedback Closing Segment 2 Opening - contact and connection Meta-theory : From the cosmic journey to the Relational Paradigm High Energy Fun The Imago dialogue - Overview - Validation and empathy -Demonstration: the Full Imago dia-logue of an Appreciation Imago Feedback Process - 2 Practice: Imago Appreciation Dialogue -As participant -As Facilitator -Feedback Healthy Relating An Imago session (DVD - Harville or other) Closing Imago Clinical Training Manual Toolbox Days 1 & 2 - IITI© Page 3

Overview of Segment 1 Imago Therapy is deeply grounded in Imago theory. More than a therapy Imago is seen as an ontology, a way of being in the world that is grounded in particular ways of un-derstanding cosmology, evolutionary theory and the functioning of the brain, psy-chology and child development, and social psychology. As the practice of Imago therapy flows out of this understanding it is important for the Imago practitioner to have a deep knowledge of these assumptions. In this introductory Day we will cover an overview of the theoretical premises from which Imago operates, of Imago thera-py and of what it means to work from a relational rather than an individual paradigm. Introduction to the Imago Dialogue The Imago Dialogue is a core aspect of Imago Relationship Therapy. It is a structured way of communicating that embodies the fundamental human relational needs. It pro-vides a safe environment wherein couples can develop mutual understanding and empa-thy, heal past relational wounds and experience deep connection. The Imago Therapist/Facilitator -Teaches the Imago Dialogue process to the couple -Coaches the sender and receiver in their respective roles and responsibilities -Coaches the couple in deepening their connection with self and other -Holds the couple in a safe connection by managing reactivity -Encourages the couple to use the Imago Dialogue in their interactions at home. The Imago Dialogue is seen as the healing element in therapy. Therefore most of the work in Imago Relationship Therapy is done in Imago Dialogue, primarily between the partners. However, the therapist also maintains a dialogical stance with the couple. After an appointment has been made to engage in The Imago Dialogue, the process consists of three steps Mi rroring - The Receiver listens and repeats back what the Sender has ex-pressed. Validation - The Receiver expresses acceptance and understanding of the Sender's perspective, feelings and experience Empathy - The Receiver attunes to the Sender's emotional experience and ex-presses their sense of this, checking to see if this fits for the Sender. Intentionality - it's not what you say it's how you say it - helping partners express themselves effectively. It's not what you hear, it's how you hear it - helping partners lis-ten with good will and high regard. In this Day we will work with the first step - Mirroring Imago Clinical Training Manual Toolbox Days 1 & 2 - IITI© Page 4

Journal Suggestions We recommend journaling each day in whatever way is right for you, to deepen and process your experience of this training. We also offer the following sentence stems as possibilities to explore. Segment 1: Something I learnt or re-learnt about myself... Something I learnt or re-learnt about facilitating mirroring.... A question that I am sitting with is... Segment 2: Something I learnt or re-learnt about myself... Something I learnt or re-learnt about facilitating a full Imago Dialogue... A question that I am sitting with is... Imago Clinical Training Manual Toolbox Days 1 & 2 - IITI© Page 5

Imago Dialogue "Mirroring" with Facilitator Guidelines The therapist is referred to as the Facilitator to emphasize that in Imago Relationship Therapy the primary function of the Imago therapist is to facilitate a process between the partners. Initially when the couple is learning the process the Facilitator often has a very active role in teaching and coaching the process but as the couple becomes proficient then the Facilitator can sit back, hold the space and intervene only as essential to keep the couple on track, contain reactivity and deepen connection. The first step in the Imago Dialogue is mirroring. Mirroring is where the Receiver listens and then repeats what the Sender has said without distorting, interpreting or adding. Pre-requisite: Have couple make an appointment FACILITATOR When introducing the mirroring process to the couple for the first time you might start by saying something like: "I'm going to ask you to do something different here. Rather than talk to me I am going to ask you to talk to each other, but in a par-ticular way that will help you build safety and connection between you. It is called Imago Dialogue. In any good communication there are two roles - that of the Sender, the person who is going to send a message, and that of the Receiver, the person who will receive the message. Who would be willing to be the first one to send a mes-sage (usually about something they appreciate about their partner to start with). When this has been decided by the clients, with your help if necessary, say to the Sender "I would like you to start by saying to your partner "I would like to dia-logue with you about... (naming the topic, e.g. Something I appreciate about you). Are you available to listen?" The appointment is essential so that your partner can make the choice to bring his/her full attention to you and choose to really listen to what you are saying rather than listening to all the stuff that is going on in his/her own head in response to what you are saying. Go ahead and say that "I would like to dialogue with you about... Are you available to listen?" The Appointment is an essential pre-requisite to the dialogue process. Coaching the couple to do this in session increases the possibility of them doing it at home, thereby creating increased safety. In all future sessions, whenever the couple are moving into Dialogue, the Facilitator helps the couple be clear about who is in the Sender and who in the Receiver roles and the topic of the Dialogue. SENDER I would like to DIALOGUE about .... Are you available to listen? Imago Clinical Training Manual Toolbox Days 1 & 2 - IITI© Page 6

FACILITATOR Coaches the Receiver to grant an Imago Dialogue ASAP and prepares the Receiver to be fully present and available to listen. When introducing this for the first time the Facilitator may say something like "What I am going to ask you to do is to take a moment to let go of anything you want to say right now. Maybe as you breathe out just letting it go for now, knowing that you too will have a chance to be the Sender and to express what you would like to say. But for now you are going to be the Receiver. Your job is to bring your full attention and focus to your partner, to be as fully present and available as you can be to hear what your partner is communicating to you. I will ask you then to repeat back, as accu-rately as you can, what you have heard, so that your partner has an accurate mirror in which they can see themselves more clearly. Relax your body as much as you can and embrace your curiosity about your partner, setting aside any assumptions you may have about him/her. This is an opportunity to get to know your partner more deeply. So that this doesn't become a memory test where your anxiety about remembering might detract from you being present and available, I am going to give you a hand signal so you can indicate when you need your partner to pause. This signal means "I want to hear you fully, so let me see if I am getting you so far". So in summary your task is to be present with curiosity, to repeat back what you heard your partner say, and use your pause signal as needed. I'll guide you through it. When centered and ready Facilitator prompts Receiver to say: RECEIVER I'm available now. Mirroring the Send, the Mirror and the Check FACILITATOR Turning back to the Sender say something along the lines of "I'm going to ask you to share with your partner whatever you have to say about this topic, keeping it about yourself, e.g. What I appreciate about you is..." and avoiding any criti-cism or shaming of your partner. Share with your partner your experience in relationship to this, what goes on inside you. Intimacy can be broken down into "into-me-see". Tell your partner what goes on inside you, what you per-ceive, what you feel about this, what you tell yourself, how you react. Throughout the Dialogue coach the SENDER to tell the RECEIVER about the topic s/he wishes to discuss, to use "I" language, to avoid any criticism or shaming of the partner, to stay on topic and to avoid straight repetition if the mirror has been accu-rate. When you have learnt about "Deepening", this is where you will introduce these tools if necessary to help the Sender move into affect so that the couple can connect on an emotionally empathic level. Monitor the length of the "sends" and in-vite the RECEIVER to signal pauses to mirror, if necessary. Tell the Sender to "Go ahead" and you may get him/her started with the start of the first sentence, e.g. "Something I appreciate about you is...", or "The first thing I want you to know about me around this issue of... is..." Imago Clinical Training Manual Toolbox Days 1 & 2 - IITI© Page 7

SENDER Begins to tell RECEIVER about the topic. FACILITATOR The first few times you may prompt the RECEIVER to use their pause signal and then say "What I heard you say was" or "You said" and then to repeat back what the SENDER said. Then say "Ask your partner 'Did I get you/that'". RECEIVER I heard you say... or You said . . .. Am I getting you? Or Did I get that? FACILITATOR Prompt the SENDER to resend the message if necessary until the RECEIVER has accurately and clearly mirrored the SENDER. You may coach them to use phrases like "You got most of it", "I'd like to express myself again around that so that I can be clearer", or to send shorter pieces and have each mirrored. Essentially you are help-ing the SENDER to be encouraging of the RECEIVER'S efforts so that they are will-ing to stay present and engaged. SENDER Yes, you got me. or You got most of it and I also said. . . or I'd like to express that again more clearly.... FACILITATOR When the SENDER says "Yes, you got me" then say to the RECEIVER "Ask your partner 'Is there more about that?' remembering to stay curious and present". RECEIVER Is there more about that? FACILITATOR prompts SENDER and RECEIVER to continue sending and mirroring until the Sender says there is no more. Throughout the send, where neces-sary prompt the RECEIVER to mirror, check for accuracy and clarity and ask if there is more. The Summary FACILITATOR Prompt RECEIVER to summarize the SENDER's thought until the essence is cap-tured, in his/her own words, while maintaining accuracy and staying true to what the SENDER said. Imago Clinical Training Manual Toolbox Days 1 & 2 - IITI© Page 8

RECEIVER Let me see if I got it. In summary, what you said was . . . Am I getting you? Or Did I get the essence of that? FACILITATOR Prompts SENDER to resend as indicated until clearly received and complete. SENDER Yes, you got it. Imago Clinical Training Manual Toolbox Days 1 & 2 - IITI© Page 9When the Summary is completed, the FACILITATOR prompts the couple to switch roles and repeat the process about the same topic except that the new SENDER opens by saying :"I would like to respond. Are you available to listen?" When the new RECEIVER says "Yes" the FACILITATOR may prompt the new SENDER to start by saying: "What I experienced inside as I listened to you just now is...", "Something that touched me as I listened to you was..." or "The way I would like to respond is..." FACILITATOR prompts the couple to repeat the mirroring process back and forth on the same topic until both have expressed all they wish to say on this topic. Once the couple has learnt the Mirroring process the FACILITATOR can proceed to adding the validation and empathy steps.

Imago Dialogue "Mirroring" - Handout for couples Steps with explanations The first step in the Imago Dialogue is mirroring. One effective way to mirror is to para-phrase, but if you find it difficult to paraphrase without interpreting or distorting, start with word-for-word mirroring. Begin with exchanging positive messages so that dialogue will have positive associations. Later, when you are proficient in the skill and have learned validation and empathy, you will learn how to express a frustration effectively. Step 1: Make an Appointment SENDER The one who wants to send a message takes the initiative. I would like to DIALOGUE about something. Is now okay? RECEIVER It is the Receiver's job to grant an Imago Dialogue ASAP, now if possible. [If not now, set an appointment time so that the SENDER knows when s/he will be heard, and take the initiative to keep the appointment.] I'm available now . Step 2: The Send, the Mirror and the Check SENDER Begin to tell RECEIVER about a topic you wish to discuss. Use "I" language. Let your partner see inside you. Share your feelings about what happened, what you tell yourself, what it's like for you -- whether the precipitating event was positive or negative. RECEIVER Mirror and check for accuracy. I heard you say... or You said . . .. Am I getting you? Or Did I get that? SENDER Indicate accuracy. Resend the message if necessary until: Yes, you got me. or You got most of it and I also said. . . or I'd like to express that again more clearly.... RECEIVER When mirror is 100% accurate, ask: Is there more about that? Imago Clinical Training Manual Toolbox Days 1 & 2 - IITI© Page 10

SEND ER and RECEIVER C on tinue sending and mirroring until the Sender says there is no more. Step 3: The Summary RECEIVER Summarize the Sender's thought until 100% accurate. Let me see if I got that. In summary, what you said was . . . Am I getting you? Or Did I get that? SENDER Indicate accuracy and resend if necessary until complete. Yes, you got me/it. Imago Clinical Training Manual Toolbox Days 1 & 2 - IITI© Page 11When the Summary is completed, switch roles and repeat the process about the same topic except that to start the new SENDER says :"I would like to respond. Are you available to listen?" When the new RECEIVER says "Yes" the new SENDER may start by say-ing: "What I experienced inside as I listened to you just now is...", "Something that touched me as I listened to you was..." or "The way I would like to re-spond is..." Repeat the Mirroring and Summary back and forth on the same topic until both have expressed all they wish to say on this topic.

"MIRRORING" - Summary Handout for couplesSENDER I would like to DIALOGUE about.... Is now okay? Send message, using "I" language. When talking about your partner only describe specific behaviors or words. E.g., "When you said... (or did...) I thought... and I felt...." Check accuracy of the mirror and resend or modify any parts not clearly received. Listen to summary and give accuracy check. Resend if necessary. Yes, you got it all. Or You got most of it, and the other piece is...., or Let me send that again. Are you available to listen? What I experienced inside as I lis-tened to you was... or The way I would like to respond is... RECEIVER I'm available now. Mirror and check for accuracy. Let me see if I've got you. You said...or I heard you say.... Did I get you? Is there more about that? Summarize. Let me see if I got the essence of what you said. In summary, .... Did I get that? Or Is that a good summary? I'm available now.

Imago Clinical Training Manual Toolbox Days 1 & 2 - IITI© Page 12Switch Roles Repeat above process switching roles back and forth until all has been expressed on that topic

Imago Feedback Process - Steps 1 & 2 The Imago Feedback process is designed to help trainees grow into their own competence. It consists of 4 steps: 1)The body experience 2)What I liked 3)A technical suggestion 4)A growth gift and how this would be operationalized In this Module we will begin to practice Steps 1 and 2 Process: After each practice session, (with the Facilitator mirroring during the following steps B to D) A.The facilitator will give him/herself feedback - (group member mirrors) B.The practice couple will give the facilitator feedback one at a time C.Observers, if any, will give the facilitator verbal or written feedback D.The clinical instructor, if present, will give the facilitator feedback The facilitator may record the feedback on audiotape or may ask for it in writing. In this segment we will use the first two steps of the four step process: What I felt in my body was... Try to describe the body sensation in physical terms rather than an interpretation of the emotion this represents, e.g. I felt a tightness in my chest and belly (rather than I felt anxious). What I liked about my/your work was... Try to be as specific as possible in your feedback, e.g. I really liked when you invited the sender to speak to the receiver by using a simple hand gesture. 13Imago Clinical Training Manual Toolbox Days 1 & 2 - IITI©

Phenomenology Process: Levels of Awareness Exercise Video clip of couple -I observe with my senses... -My felt body experience... -I interpret that to mean... the story I tell myself... -I feel... -My reactive impulse is to... -My clinical analysis/diagnosis is... -My decision on how to react/respond is... Daily exercise: Practice going through the following exercise at least once a day for a week. Try it in different settings - professional, personal, political, social, etc. - I observe... - My felt body experience... - I interpret that to mean... (Come up with at least 6) - I feel... (Notice if you have different feelings depending on the nature of the story you make up) - My reactive impulse is to ... (Note if the impulse changes depending on the nature of the story) - My clinical analysis is... (Note if the clinical analysis or diagnosis changes depending on the nature of the story) - My decision on how to react/respond is... (Notice if your decision is different when you in-terpret the situation differently) 14Imago Clinical Training Manual Toolbox Days 1 & 2 - IITI©

Overview of Segment 2 In Segment 2 we will continue to develop our understanding of the theory and assumptions which underlie imago work as we look in greater depth at how Cosmology informs the Rela-tional Paradigm which is the basis of Imago work. The Full Dialogue Process Really listening to and hearing the partner is an essential first step in good communication which can build safety and connection. However, two further steps help couples to create a differentiated connectedness. These are: Validation - an essential component of the capacity for differentiation. It is an acknowledge-ment of difference as well as of the validity of the other's perspective, even when it is different from one's own Empathy - an essential component of a deep emotional connectedness. It requires an ability to imagine the emotional experience of the other, to tune in on a feeling level to the other's ex-perience and put this into language. This can then also help the partner connect more deeply with him/herself. The Appreciation Dialogue The full Imago Dialogue process will be practiced and applied to the expression of appreciation between partners. Imago sees focusing on the positive, on what partners appreciate about each other, and balancing this with addressing the issues that are causing pain and preventing them from fully living out the vision of the relationship they want to have, as essential to the therapeutic process. The Imago Feedback Process - 2 An additional step is added which offers the trainee suggestions for new possibilities, other op-tions as to how they might intervene with the couple. It also offers trainees an experience of converting their critical voices about themselves and others into positive suggestions. Healthy Relating An overview of what we are helping clients move towards.

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Full Imago Dialogue with Facilitator Guidelines FACILITATOR: Help the couple begin with exchanging positive messages so that the Dia-logue will have positive associations. Start with just Mirroring. When they are able to listen to each other you can add validation and empathy and help them to use the process to share more difficult topics. The FACILITATOR prompts only as necessary once they have learnt the process. Pre-requisite: Have the couple make an appointment FACILITATOR Once the couple has been able to listen attentively and mirror accurately, you can add the steps of Validation and Empathy. Always coach the couple to start by identifying the topic, deciding who will be the first SENDER and RECEIVER and making an appointment. Identifying the topic may be done by inviting them to relax and allow what needs to be addressed to 'bubble up' and then sig-nal their readiness to begin the dialogue. You can suggest that this may be something that is going well in their relationship that they want to celebrate, a frustration that they would like to use for their healing and growth, an aspect of their vision they want to live out more fully, or something else that is important for them. You can invite both partners to state what is important for them and decide together which they will address first or you can have them take turns deciding on the topic. Continue coaching through the following steps with brief instructions and with sentence stems as prompts. Facilitator prompts the Sender to say: SENDER I would like to DIALOGUE about .... Are you available to listen? FACILITATOR Coaches the Receiver to grant an Imago Dialogue ASAP and prepares the Receiver to temporarily put their own thought and feelings aside, to be fully present and available to lis-ten. When centered and ready Facilitator prompts Receiver to say: RECEIVER I'm available now. Step 1: Mirroring (see Day 1 above) FACILITATOR Coaches the SENDER to tell the RECEIVER about a topic s/he wishes to discuss, to use "I" language. " Let your partner see inside you. Share your feelings about what happened, what you tell yourself, what it's like for you. When talking about your partner only refer to 16Imago Clinical Training Manual Toolbox Days 1 & 2 - IITI©

specific behaviors or words, e.g. "When you said... I felt..." "When you did... I interpreted that to mean..."." Facilitator coaches the SENDER throughout, as necessary, to speak in the "I", and to avoid any criticism or shaming of the partner. The FACILITATOR monitors the length of the "sends" and invites the RECEIVER to signal pauses to mirror. SENDER Begins to tell RECEIVER about the topic. FACILITATOR As necessary prompts RECEIVER to use the pause signal, mirror and check if partner feels heard accurately. RECEIVER I heard you say... or You said . . .. Am I getting you? Or Did I get that? FACILITATOR Prompts SENDER to resend the message if necessary until acknowledges feeling fully heard. SENDER Yes, you got me. or You got most of it and I also said. . . or I'd like to express that again more clearly.... FACILITATOR When mirror is clear and complete, prompts RECEIVER to ask: RECEIVER Is there more about that? FACILITATOR prompts SENDER and RECEIVER to continue sending and mirroring until the Sender says there is no more. The Summary FACILITATOR Prompts RECEIVER to summarize what the SENDER has said, in his/her own words, while maintaining accuracy. RECEIVER Let me see if I got it. In summary, what you said was . . . Am I getting you? Or Did I get that? FACILITATOR Prompts SENDER to indicate accuracy and resend if necessary until complete.

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SENDER Yes, you got it. STEP 2: VALIDATION FACILITATOR coaches RECEIVER to understand and accept the logic of the SENDER'S point of view, even if s/he does not see things the same way or agree. If you are introducing this for the first time you may say something like "Now that you have heard your partner fully, I am going to ask you to let him/her know that you can understand what s/he is saying from his/her point of view, that it makes sense to you, even if you do not agree. It is a way of saying that their point of view is valid, if fact as valid as yours, even when you do not see things the same way. In order to do this you really have to visit their world and see the issue through their eyes. For example "I can understand that you ... (giving an example from the SENDER's send) given that ... (again keeping it to what the SENDER had expressed about why they saw things that way or felt that). Prompt the RE-CEIVER to say: RECEIVER You make sense to me, and what makes sense is . . .. or I understand that you... given that .... Help the Receiver to keep it short - a three part sentence - and simple based entirely on what the Sender has said. Some people overcomplicate the validation and make it another summary. 1) I understand 2) the feeling, thought or action that is being explained 3) the reason the Sender thought, felt or did that. e.g. I understand / that you appreciate my coming here today/ given that it helps you to feel more secure. Once they have some practice with this you can introduce an additional way of validating where the RECEIVER takes ownership of their contribution to the partner's experience. I can see how you experience it that way be-cause I did..., or sometimes I do/am.... (taking ownership for the behavior, e.g. ... I did put a lot of effort into making your favorite dinner, or ... I did raise my voice..., ...sometimes I am late and don't call.) FACILITATOR coaches SENDER to listen to and receive the validation. 18Imago Clinical Training Manual Toolbox Days 1 & 2 - IITI©

STEP 3: EMPATHY FACILITATOR coaches the RECEIVER to empathize, to make some guesses as to what the SENDER is or was feeling. You might just offer the sentence stem "I imagine you might feel..." and explain Empathy later or you say something like "I invite you to take a moment and imagine your partner's experience of this, given all s/he has shared with you. Put yourself in his/her place as much as possible and imagine how s/he might feel (not necessarily how you would feel in that situation). Feel-ings can be expressed in one word, for example happy, angry, confused, sad, cherished.). Go ahead and give it a try. I imagine you might feel/have felt... and then check if that is what your partner did/does feel." If the guess entails more than one word it is probably a thought (e.g. "I imagine you feel that you don't want to go with me" ) so help the Receiver identify the feeling embedded in the thought, e.g. something like "reluctant".) RECEIVER I imagine you might be feeling . . . or I imagine you might have felt . . . or I can imagine your feeling of . . . (if feelings were stated or obvious.) Accuracy check. Is that what you are feeling? FACILITATOR coaches SENDER to listen and receive the empathy. If RECEIVER did not get the feelings or did not get all of the feelings, prompt SENDER to share with RECEIVER what the feelings were, e.g. I think I felt more... or Yes, and I also felt.... using just feeling words and prompt RECEIVER to mirror. Help SENDER to not go back into further explanations. This can be a moment of deep connection when both seem to be vibrating on the same emotional note, as at the end of a symphony. Help them to hold the connection. Explanations can take them back into their heads and break that connection. Also help the RECEIVER to just come up with one or two feel-ings, rather than the definitive list of all the feelings the partner might have felt. FACILITATOR: When all three steps are completed (mirroring, validation, and empathy) have the couple SWITCH ROLES and continue on the same topic. Prompt the RECEIVER to say: I would like to respond now. Are you ready to hear my response? The RECEIVER now becomes the SENDER. Ways to begin the response are to say: What I experienced inside as I listened to you just now was.... Or The way I would like to respond is.... Coach the couple to continue back and forth about the same topic, until both have said all they have to say about that topic and have heard, under-stood and empathized with their partner's experience. 19Imago Clinical Training Manual Toolbox Days 1 & 2 - IITI©

Especially when the couple is just learning the Dialogue process, when the Dia-logue process is complete, have them process their experience using the dia-logue with either the partner as the RECEIVER or the therapist. Once the couple has learnt the process well and taken over responsibility for maintaining the structure, which may vary greatly from one couple to another, the FACILITATOR is free to focus increasingly on maintaining safety and deepening connection using the tools you will learn in the next Day of the training. Encour-age them to use the process at home and to find ways that they can integrate it into their lives outside of therapy. 20Imago Clinical Training Manual Toolbox Days 1 & 2 - IITI©

Full Imago Dialogue - Handout for Clients Purpose: Imago Dialogue is a process that ultimately transcends conflict and creates connection and understanding, allowing two realities to exist in a safe context. You initiate a Dialogue when: 1. You w ant to express your appreciation and love. 2. You want to be listened to and understood. 3. You are upset about something and want to discuss it. 4. You want to discuss a topic that you think might be "touchy." Begin with exchanging positive messages so that Dialogue will have positive associations. Later, when you are proficient in the skill you will learn how to express a frustration effectively. Make an Appointment SENDER The one who wants to send a message must take the initiative. I would like to DIALOGUE about .... Is now okay? RECEIVER It is the RECEIVER's job to grant an Imago Dialogue ASAP, now if possible. [If not now, set an appointment time so that the SENDER knows when s/he will be heard, and take the initiative to keep the appointment.] I'm avai lable now. STEP 1: The Send, the MIRROR, and the Check SENDER Begin to tell RECEIVER about a topic you wish to discuss. Use "I" language - "I feel...", "I fear...", "I love...", "I tell myself...", "I would like...". Let your partner see inside you. Share your feelings about what happened, what you tell yourself, what it's like for you. When talking about your partner only refer to specific behaviors or words, e.g. "When you said..., I felt...", "When you did..., I interpreted that to mean...." RECEIVER Mirror and check for accuracy. Let me see if I've got you. I heard you say... or You said .... Am I getting you? Or Did I get that? SENDER 21Imago Clinical Training Manual Toolbox Days 1 & 2 - IITI©

Indicate accuracy. Resend the message if necessary: Yes, you got me. Or The part you got was...and I also want you to hear . . . or I'd like to express that again more clearly.... RECEIVER When mirror is 100% accurate, ask: Is there more about that? SENDER and RECEIVER Cont inue s ending and mirroring until the Sender says there is no more. A Note about "Overload": If at any point the RECEIVER goes on "overload," s/her can signal a pause and say, "I really want to hear all you have to say. Let me see if I have it so far ...." Mirror what s/he has heard, check for accuracy, then ask the SENDER to continue. The Summary RECEIVER Summarize the SENDER's thought until 100% accurate. Let me see if I got it all. In summary, what you said was. . .. Am I getting you? Or Did I get all of that? Or Is that a good summary? SENDER Indicate accuracy and resend if necessary until complete. Yes, you got it all. STEP 2: VALIDATION RECEIVER Validate. State the logic of the SENDER's point of view. You make sense, and what makes sense is . . .. I understand that you... given that .... I can see how you see it that way because sometimes I do/am.... (taking ownership for the behavior, e.g. ..sometimes I am late and don't call.) SENDER Listen to and receive the validation.

22Imago Clinical Training Manual Toolbox Days 1 & 2 - IITI©

STEP 3: EMPATHY RECEIVER Empathize. Unless the SENDER's feelings are obvious, make some guesses as to what the SENDER is or was feeling. Feelings are stated in one word (i.e., happy, angry, confused, sad, cherished.) If your guess entails more than one word it is probably a thought (e.g. "You feel that you don't want to go with me." is a thought, not a feeling.) I imagine you might be feeling . . . or I imagine you might have felt . . . or I can imagine your feeling of . . . (if feelings were stated.) Accuracy check. Is that what you are feeling? SENDER Listen to and receive the empathy. If RECEIVER did not get the feelings or did not get all of the main feelings, share with RECEIVER what your feelings were, e.g. I think I felt more... or Yes, and I also felt.... using just feeling words. Do not go back into fur-ther explanations. This can be a moment to deep connection as if you are both vibrating on the same emotional note. Explanations can take you back into your heads and break that connection. RECEIVER Continue mirroring and try to imagine the new feelings the partner has expressed. When all three steps are completed (mirroring, validation, and empathy) SWITCH ROLES and continue on the same topic. The RECEIVER says: I would like to respond now. The RECEIVER now becomes the SENDER. Ways to begin the response are to say: What I experienced inside as I listened to you just now was.... Or The way I would like to respond is.... 23Imago Clinical Training Manual Toolbox Days 1 & 2 - IITI©

Full Imago Dialogue Summary - Handout for Clients SENDER I would like to DIALOGUE about.... Is now okay? Send message, using "I" language. When talking about your partner only describe specific behaviors or words in a neutral way. E.g., "When you said... (or did...) I thought... and I felt...." Check clarity of the mirror and resend or modify any parts not clearly received. Listen to summary and check for feeling heard. Resend if necessary. Yes, you got it all. Or The part you got was...and I also want you to hear.... Listen to and receive the validation. Listen to and receive the empathy. If RECEIVER did not get the feelings or did not get all of the main feelings, say I think I felt more... or Yes, and I also felt.... RECEIVER I'm available now. Mirror and check for accuracy. Let me see if I've got you. You said...or I heard you say.... Did I get you? Is there more about that? Summarize. Let me see if I got it. In summary, what you said was .... Did I get all of that? Or Is that a good summary? Validate. You make sense, and what makes sense is ... or I understand that you... given that ... or I can see how you would see it that way be-cause I did/do.... (taking ownership). Empathize. I imagine you might be feeling . . . or I imagine you might have felt . . . or I can imagine your feeling of . . . (if feelings were stated.) Accuracy check. Is that what you are feeling?

24Imago Clinical Training Manual Toolbox Days 1 & 2 - IITI©Switch Roles. The new SENDER starts with, "What I expe-rienced inside as I listened to you just now is..." or "The way I would like to respond is...."

Full Imago Dialogue - Directions and Key Phrases Both partners work to create a safe environment for the other SENDER Make an appointment to send or respond State topic in one sentence Speak about oneself not one's partner Send in small amounts Check mirror and resend any modifications Keep to the topic No shaming, blaming, criticism, contempt, belittling, etc. ........................................................................................ RECEIVER I'm available now or I will be available ...(stating when) Mirroring Let me see if I've got you. I heard you say... or You said.... Am I getting you? or Did I get that? Is there more about that? Summary mirror Let me see if I got it .... Am I getting you? Did I get that? or Is that a good summary? Validation You make sense to me, and what makes sense is.... I can understand that ... given that.... I can see how you experience it that way because sometimes I do/am.... (taking ownership of the behavior, e.g. I sometimes am late home.) Empathy I imagine you might be feeling.... Is that what you are feeling? Imago Clinical Training Manual Toolbox Days 1 & 2 - IITI© 25

Imago Feedback Process - 2 The feedback format in this Segment is... What I felt in my body as a facilitator was... or What I felt in my body being with you/witnessing you as facilitator was... Something I liked about my/your work as the facilitator was... My technical suggestion is... or Something I might have done differently is... or Another possibility is... The technical suggestion is a concrete action or behavior that the trainee might have done at a particular point or throughout the session. It is offered as anoth-er possibility, an alternative choice. One indication of where an alternative may be offered is when the trainee facilita-tor or participant experienced some form of critical or judgmental thought. It is not expressed as a criticism but as a suggestion for something else they might have done instead. This way all criticisms can be converted into positive sug-gestions. Example: - What I felt in my body was tightness in my throat. -Something I liked about myself as the facilitator was that I kept the couple mirroring each other. -A technical suggestion for myself is to have the receiver signal the sender when to pause so s/he can mirror before reaching his/her memory limit. Imago Clinical Training Manual Toolbox Days 1 & 2 - IITI© 26

Appreciation Dialogue - With Facilitator Guidelines FACILITATOR invites the couple to take a deep breath and relax, closing their eyes if they choose, and reflect on a time, possibly early in their relationship or over the past week, when something their partner did or said touched them, something they would like to appreciate. It may be something they always value and admire - a character trait, or it may be fleeting, a special moment in time - a look, a touch, a word. Invite them to pause and enjoy the memory and then when they are ready, open their eyes and connect first with their eyes, sending the appreciation first with just their gaze. Invite them to hold hands if they would like to while they express their appreciation . Then, have them decide who will be the first to express their appreciation verbally, be the first "SENDER". Prompt the SENDER to complete the sentence stems offered below: this is known as "Af-fective Deepening" and is covered in greater depth in the next Day of the Imago Training. Prompt the RECEIVER to mirror, and also to validate and empathize, if they have mastered the Mirroring, as in the directions presented above. SENDER RECEIVER I would like to express an appreciation. Is this a good time? Yes, I'm availab le . One thing I appreciate about you is... Mirror (FACILITATOR: help them to elaborate, keeping the appreciation free of all negativity or comparisons) Mirror FACILITATOR: help the sender deepen into affect by offering the following sentence stems: When you did that I felt.... Mirror How that is similar to or different from my childhood is... or What that feeling of... reminds me of from my childhood is... Mirror Thank you for a) reminding me of that special feeling from my childhood, or Mirro r b) helping me to experience a feeling I don't remember from my childhood. Validate: It makes sense to me that you... given that... Empa thize: I imagine you might feel... Imago Clinical Training Manual Toolbox Days 1 & 2 - IITI© 27

FACILITATOR : Guide the couple to switch roles and then continue to guide them through the process with brief directions or sentence stem prompts accord-ing to the needs of the couple. NEW SENDER NEW RECEIVER Are you available to listen? Yes, I'm available What touched me about what you said was... Mirror One thing I appreciate about you is... Mirror (FACILITATOR: Coach them to continue as above) Imago Clinical Training Manual Toolbox Days 1 & 2 - IITI© 28

Appreciation Dialogue - Handout for Clients Sit down face to face with each other. You may want to hold hands or not. Take a deep breath and relax, letting your eyes close, if you choose. Take a moment to reflect on a time, possibly early in your relationship or over the past week, when something your partner did or said touched you, something you would like to ap-preciate. It may be something you always value and admire - a character trait, or it may be fleeting, a special moment in time - a look, a touch, a word. Pause and enjoy the memory and then when you are ready, open your eyes and when your partner's eyes are also open, connect first with your eyes, sending the ap-preciation first with just your gaze. Then, when you are ready, decide together who will be the first to express their appreciation verbally, the first "SENDER" SENDER RECEIVER I would like to express an appreciation. Is this a good time? Yes, I'm availab le. One thing I appreciate about you is... Mirror (Keep going, elaborating on this. Keep the appreciation clean of all negativity or comparisons) Mirror When you did that I felt.... Mirror How that is similar to or different from my childhood is... Mirror Thank you for a) reminding me of that special feeling from my childhood, or Mirror b) helping me to experience a feeling I don't remember from my childhood. Switch Roles NEW SENDER NEW RECEIVER What touched me about what you said was... Mirror One thing I appreciate about you is... Mirror (Continue as above) When you have mastered mirroring, validation and empathy, these can be added prior to switching roles. Imago Clinical Training Manual Toolbox Days 1 & 2 - IITI© 29

Traits of Childhood Caretakers 1.Divide the figure below into parts representing your childhood memories of each caretaker or authority figure that took care of you growing up. On the top section, list all of the negative characteristics of each caretaker. On the bottom, list all the positive characteristics. 2.It is important to list the characteristics as you recall them from childhood. Think as a little child. Do not think of your caretakers as they are today or as they became later in life. Use such adjectives as "kind", "distant", "warm", "loving", "angry", "cold" and/or phrases such as "never there", "al-ways dependable", "never touched me", etc. (A) FEMALE - MALE - (B) FEMALE + MALE+ Underline the 3 best traits Circle 3 worst trai ts (c)What I wanted and needed most as a child was __________________________________________________ Imago Clinical Training Manual Toolbox Days 1 & 2 - IITI© 30

Positive Memories of Childhood List below the positive memories of childhood and your responses associated with the memories Memories Feelings (What you felt) (D) Childhood Frustrations List below any recurring frustrations of childhood (e.g. "didn't get listened to", "no touching"); and then list your reactions to the frus-trations (i.e. how you felt and what you did). Frustrations Reaction(s) (W hat you did) (E) Imago Clinical Training Manual Toolbox Days 1 & 2 - IITI© 31

My Personal Imago (Fill in the blanks from the previous pages) I am attracted to / at times perceive my partner to be a person who is (A) _________________________________________________________ I try to get them to be (B) _________________________________________________________ so that I can be (C) _________________________________________________________ and feel (D) _________________________________________________________ I stop myself from getting this sometimes by (E) Imago Clinical Training Manual Toolbox Days 1 & 2 - IITI© 32

Homework Power Struggle Part ner Profi le 1. In the figure below, list the positive and negative traits, which describe your part-ner as you experience her/him. 2. Underline the three best traits. Circle the three worst traits. 3. Compl ete these sentences: a. What I get from my partner that I enjoy most is... b. What I want most from my partner and don't get is... Imago Clinical Training Manual Toolbox Days 1 & 2 - IITI© 33NegativesPositives

Frustrations with Current Partner1. Us ing the chart below, in Column A, list all the ways your partner frustrates you. Frustrations are behaviors, not character traits that your partner does that upset you. 2. In Colum n B, record the feelings you have with each frustrating event. Use a feeling word such as "angry," "sad," "scared," "guilty," 3.In Column C, describe what you typically do in reaction to each frustration (a be-havior). 4.In Column D, identify what you think may be the hidden childhood fear underly-ing reactive behavior. A. Frustrating BehaviorsB. FeelingsC. Reactive Be-haviorsD. Hidden FearsWhen you . . . you always . . . never . . .I feel . . .Then I react with . . .To hide my fear of . . .e.g., are late and don't call ...angry ...sulking ... being abandoned Imago Clinical Training Manual Toolbox Days 1 & 2 - IITI© 34

Desires and Longings Underneath anger is a hurt, and behind each hurt is an unmet longing or need. This section guides you in identifying your deep longings. 1. Study your list of frustrating behaviors on page 34. Cluster and summarize those that are similar and list them in Column A. 2. Si milarly, in Column B, cluster your feelings. In Column C, cluster your reactive behaviors. In Column D, cluster your fears. 3. In Colum n E, list what you think might be the deep desire underlying each frus-tration sequence. Make each sentence as short as possible and state it as an ab-solute. E.g., "Always be on time for everything." "Be available whenever I want you." 4. Circ le the item in each column that is the strongest or most intense for you. A. Frustrating PatternsB. Feelings C. Reactive Patterns D. Hidden FearsE. DesiresWhen you . . . you always . . . never . . I feel . . . Then I react with . . . .To hide my fear of ..What I really want is . e.g., are late and don't call ...angry ... sulking ...being abandoned ... to feel impor-tant.. . Imago Clinical Training Manual Toolbox Days 1 & 2 - IITI© 35

Information SynthesisBelow are fifteen incomplete sentences. The parenthesis at the end of each sen-tence contains the location of the information you need to complete the sentences. Using that information, complete each sentence. Do not write anything in the shaded box until instructed to do so. 1. In my I te nd to be drawn to a person who often is (items circled in Partner's Profile on p. 33) 2. wi th whom I frequently feel (item circled in Column B, p. 35) 3. bec ause s/he frustrates me sometimes by (item circled in Column A, p. 35) 4. whi ch activates my worst fear which is (item circled in Column D, p. 35) 5. I wi sh this person would always be (items underlined on pp. 30 & 33) 6. and onl y give me (item circled in Column E of p. 35) 7. a nd especially (items on p. 30 C) 8. so t hat I could always feel (items on p. 31D) . 9. Whe n s/he doesn't, I feel (item circled in Column B, page 35) Imago Clinical Training Manual Toolbox Days 1 & 2 - IITI© 36

10. and t ry to protect myself by typically reacting with (item circled in Column C, p. 35). 11. to hi de my fear of (item circled in Column D, page 35) 12. When I react that way, I invite my partner to be (page 36, #1) 13. ins tead of (page 36, #5) 14. and t hat leaves me without (page 36, #6 and #7) 15. and w ithout the feeling of (page 36, #8). Imago Clinical Training Manual Toolbox Days 1 & 2 - IITI© 37

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