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Another year, another 40-odd songs from every corner of the continent (and beyond...) Yes, it's Eurovision time once again - so here is your annual Popbitch guide to all of the greatest, gaudiest and god-awful gems that

Semi-Final 1.................3-21

Wobbling opera ghosts! Fiery leather fetishists! Atonal grab-bag of weirdness - so if you have an appetite for the odd stuff, this is the semi for you...

Semi-Final 2................23-42

Culture Club covers! Robot laser heart surgery! Norwegian but there's going to plenty of it that makes it through to the

The Big Six.................44-50

really that interesting until Saturday rolls around) but if you

The Stats...................52-58

Diagrams, facts, information, theory. You want to impress your mates with absolutely useless knowledge about which sorts of things win? We've got everything you need... some time for Tuesday's semi... #CountryWhich One Is That? Tamta

Replay

English

B minor

No

102bpm

Five

Ellie Goulding

Runner up on

Super Idol Greece

Judge on X Factor Georgia, X Factor Greece

At one point it sounds like she's saying

she's "shitting her body" - but the actual lyric is "Them sheets need my body."

Tamta is Georgian-Greek. It's always handy,

from a tactical standpoint, to send an artist with ties to a different country as you are well-poised to soak up their 12 points.

Fuego.

in 2019 by sending a sunbleached carbon copy of it.

Which, without trace of irony, they've called...

Replay.

D mol

Heaven

English

D Major

Yes 92bpm
Two

S Club 7

A Level students on results day

"D mol" is Montenegrin for "D minor" - one of the most successful keys in recent used keys in Western pop, D minor has won three times in the last 12 years

Serbia's

Molitva; Norway's Fairytale;

Austria's

more than random chance would suggest.

Sadly, D minor the band appear to have

Why is it always such a crap shoot with Montenegro?

Some years they give us

amazing gay disco stompers with full ponytail choreography . Other years it's rapping dubstep astronauts with wailing alien cyborg ladies

This year? It's... well. This.

Darude ft. Sebastian Rejman

Look Away

English

B minor

No

126bpm

Two

The last two decades have passed his chin

by

The star-producer/studio-vocalist combo

is becoming a fairly standard set-up at

Eurovision. Norway had mid-table success

with

Grab The Moment in 2017,

but Gromee's

Light Me Up prevented

Poland from qualifying in 2018.

Want to see someone playing

Sandstorm

on the potato? Here you go... It's been twenty years since Darude released Sandstorm: a whole new lease of life in the meme age . Now he's this year's Eurovision heritage act, stepping into the inglorious shoes of Blue ( 11th

Bonnie Tyler (

19th 25th
of Depeche Mode's

Enjoy The Silence

are clearly more charitable than us. We'd have had our lawyers send out a cease and desist before the chorus... Tulia

Polish / English

C# minor

No 96bpm
Four t.A.t.U

The granddaughters of those mad Russian

grannies from 2012

Last time Poland sent women in traditional

dress to perform at Eurovision it was those churns . This one's got a bit of grot for the with the girls screaming "Love me now!

Love me now! Harder and harder..."

known as

Ğ - or ‘white voice'.)

It's not often that Eurovision tosses out a song that about a millennial's quarter-life crisis, grappling with an estranged parent's secret addiction to prescription Sebi

Slovene

G minor

No

108bpm

Two Rhye

A brother and sister art collective

Although this song is a prime candidate to

get lost in among all the spectacle of the an earnest indie boy-girl duo at Eurovision.

So it may just squeak through - only to get

roundly ignored on Saturday.

Lake Malawi

English

D minor

No

106bpm

Three

Van She

Uniqlo models

The band claim they took the inspiration for

their name from the Bon Iver song

Calgary

because he mentions a lake in it - even though Lake Malawi is 15,000km away from most of Calgary's major bodies of water.

If you're curious about the relative

mineral contents of Lake Malawi's water vs Calgary's primary reservoirs, then the

Calgary Aquarium Society has you covered

Joci Pápai

Hungarian

Eb minor

No 96bpm
Two

Joci Pápai

Chabuddy G

Since he was last at Eurovision, Joci has

been showing his funnier side on Hungary's

Your Face Sounds Familiar - as Boy George

a surprising Top Ten success in 2017 with

Origo. And

while it's certainly possible that the Eurovision audience is crying out for more Hungarian language ZENA

Like It

English

G minor

No

105bpm

Three

Dua Lipa

Chloe Madeley

Third place of series 10 of

"Put your favourite sneakers on /

If you're into Russian-dubbed versions of

before. She's the voice of Moana in Moana in Russia. After years of trying - and failing - to represent her home nation in the reliably unwatchable noncefest that nomination for the adult competition. (And can probably still count on the nonce vote too...) Kruna

Serbian / English

Ab minor

No 6/8 53bpm

Balkan power ballad

Runner-up on series two of

Prvi Glas Grbije

Nevena isn't new to Eurovision, as she was

previously a member of the girl band Moje

Ljubav Je Svuda in 2013).

More interesting though was her turn in

Junior Eurovision, in 2007.

a three minute morsel to sample - which you can then Eliot

Wake Up

English

G minor

No Two

Bastille

Simon from

The Inbetweeners

Series 7 of The Voice Belgique

Eliot's co-writer on this also wrote Blanche's

City Lights - which came fourth in the

contest in 2017. Over the last decade, the Belgians have had patchy form with their entries. Oscillating between failing to qualify from the semis and comfortably hitting the Top

Rhythm Inside and City Lights, they

didn't qualify last year. So this year is probably good?

B minor

No

120bpm

Two

Chris Cornell in a

musical

The lead singer from

The Commitments

Winner of Geostar

Runner up of

Winner of Georgian Idol

in Eurovision. It's the 71st language to be heard in the competition so far - behind

Japanese, Udmurt, Antillean Creole and

Mühlviertlerisch.

The X Factor to show

, it was only a matter of time before someone tried a twee, at

Kate Miller-Heidke

Zero Gravity

English

Eb minor

No

132bpm

Three

Katherine Jenkins doing a bank advert

Kaley Cuoco

An opera singer in a huge, lighty-up, blue

dress. Wherever did they get the idea...?

Hatari

Hatrið mun sigra

Icelandic

E minor

Yes

110bpm

Three

Marilyn Manson goes electro

"Debauchery unconstrained! /

Hangover uncontained!"

cage, bashing it with a huge cotton bud) is the son of Iceland's ambassador to the UK.

The children of Iceland have really taken to

Hatari, making their own costumes, forming

tribute acts and singing at school concerts. Some of the more conservative countries in the contest lost their collective shit when a bearded lady won in 2014
, lamenting that Eurovision had become a "hotbed

Victor Crone

Storm

English

D Major

No

128bpm

Three

A wet tribute to Avicii

A sketchy nightclub owner in

Hollyoaks

called

Storm) would suggest the opposite,

inclement weather is actually a fairly strong topic to sing about. Songs that feature rain, thunder, lightning and storms in the lyrics

Heroes

Calm After The Storm

Hard Rock Hallelujah

The well-established cheat in Eurovision is to hire a Swede to write your song but Estonia's decided to go one further. They've hired a Swede to come and perform the by Estonia's Simon Cowell, Victor is a massive ringer... but Portugal clearly isn't in a hurry to host the competition again...

Telemóveis

Portuguese

E minor

No

123bpm

An interpretative dance show written to

teach kids about the dangers of online radicalisation

James Franco in

Spring Breakers

"Snitchery never gave birth to anyone"

When he was doing promo for this, Conan

sang a version of it on the Portuguese equivalent of

Good Morning Britain where

he and his guitarist started singing, on air,

The clitoris is the only part of a woman's

body that was designed to give pleasure.

Katerine Duska

Better Love

English

Eb Major

No 88bpm
Four

Florence Welch

Marina Diamandis

Canadian-Greek Katerine is really keen to

let it be known that she has proper indie credentials. Something she's attempted to demonstrate by doing a John Lewis ad/

Live Lounge-style version of the Arctic

Monkeys'

Do I Wanna Know?

Fame Academy? Well, when he's not

busy writing songs for Lana Del Rey, Nicole Scherzinger

Serhat

Say Na Na Na

English

C# minor

No

118bpm

Two

Gianluca Vialli

"Don't forget my number, call me anytime /

I will always tell you life is beautiful and

the host of the Turkish version of

Jeopardy.

roughly the same as Bridlington) but we didn't realise they had so few available acts on hand. Still, better to see Serhat again than getting Valentina

Monetta for the

of the usual sorts of batshittery we've come to expect from the contest - focusing instead on the torture of existence, emotional anguish and the pain of losing loved ones - but there's still plenty to get your teeth into... #CountryWhich One Is That? Srbuk

English

F minor

No

130bpm

Three

Tori Amos

A pre-fame Gaga

Runner-up in

X Factor Armenia

Fourth place in The Voice of Ukraine

"Are you from those / Who will swallow down / The pain, disgrace?"

The lyrics for this were written by Garik

Papoyan, the co-writer of Armenia's most

successful song in a decade, Aram MP3's dubstep ballad

Not Alone.

in an impressive performance since they debuted in 2006 (and have yet to properly embarrass themselves the way that some of the old guard continually do) but never

Sarah McTernan

22

English

C Major

No

125bpm

Three

Jack Whitehall in drag

Came third in

The staging of this song looks like a diner

designed by Cath Kidson - which means its going to be an absolute slam dunk with the Sarah McTernan tried to enter Eurovision last year as - but, seeing as the Sanmarinese selection process is for the best. Stay

English

C minor

Yes 78bpm
Four

Tina Arena

Auditioned for

The Voice Russia

If you want some idea of how popular

this one is, Moldova's post-rehearsal press conference was supposedly so sparsely attended that organisers had to drag passing punters in to ask her questions. that's because Ukraine used THE EXACT in 2011... Pouring cold water on the reputation they were building

Hey Mamma in 2017 and DoReDos's My

in 2018 - Moldova is trying to be a little

She Got Me

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