interpretive Portuguese dance Tuesday's semi-final is are what you watch Eurovision for, you'll want to make some time for in 2019 by sending a sunbleached carbon copy of it Which but by adding French and German you get potential
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interpretive Portuguese dance Tuesday's semi-final is are what you watch Eurovision for, you'll want to make some time for in 2019 by sending a sunbleached carbon copy of it Which but by adding French and German you get potential
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Another year, another 40-odd songs from every corner of the continent (and beyond...) Yes, it's Eurovision time once again - so here is your annual Popbitch guide to all of the greatest, gaudiest and god-awful gems that
Semi-Final 1.................3-21
Wobbling opera ghosts! Fiery leather fetishists! Atonal grab-bag of weirdness - so if you have an appetite for the odd stuff, this is the semi for you...Semi-Final 2................23-42
Culture Club covers! Robot laser heart surgery! Norwegian but there's going to plenty of it that makes it through to theThe Big Six.................44-50
really that interesting until Saturday rolls around) but if youThe Stats...................52-58
Diagrams, facts, information, theory. You want to impress your mates with absolutely useless knowledge about which sorts of things win? We've got everything you need... some time for Tuesday's semi... #CountryWhich One Is That? TamtaReplay
English
B minor
No102bpm
FiveEllie Goulding
Runner up on
Super Idol Greece
Judge on X Factor Georgia, X Factor Greece
At one point it sounds like she's saying
she's "shitting her body" - but the actual lyric is "Them sheets need my body."Tamta is Georgian-Greek. It's always handy,
from a tactical standpoint, to send an artist with ties to a different country as you are well-poised to soak up their 12 points.Fuego.
in 2019 by sending a sunbleached carbon copy of it.Which, without trace of irony, they've called...
Replay.
D molHeaven
English
D Major
Yes 92bpmTwo
S Club 7
A Level students on results day
"D mol" is Montenegrin for "D minor" - one of the most successful keys in recent used keys in Western pop, D minor has won three times in the last 12 yearsSerbia's
Molitva; Norway's Fairytale;
Austria's
more than random chance would suggest.Sadly, D minor the band appear to have
Why is it always such a crap shoot with Montenegro?Some years they give us
amazing gay disco stompers with full ponytail choreography . Other years it's rapping dubstep astronauts with wailing alien cyborg ladiesThis year? It's... well. This.
Darude ft. Sebastian Rejman
Look Away
English
B minor
No126bpm
TwoThe last two decades have passed his chin
byThe star-producer/studio-vocalist combo
is becoming a fairly standard set-up atEurovision. Norway had mid-table success
withGrab The Moment in 2017,
but Gromee'sLight Me Up prevented
Poland from qualifying in 2018.
Want to see someone playing
Sandstorm
on the potato? Here you go... It's been twenty years since Darude released Sandstorm: a whole new lease of life in the meme age . Now he's this year's Eurovision heritage act, stepping into the inglorious shoes of Blue ( 11thBonnie Tyler (
19th 25thof Depeche Mode's
Enjoy The Silence
are clearly more charitable than us. We'd have had our lawyers send out a cease and desist before the chorus... TuliaPolish / English
C# minor
No 96bpmFour t.A.t.U
The granddaughters of those mad Russian
grannies from 2012Last time Poland sent women in traditional
dress to perform at Eurovision it was those churns . This one's got a bit of grot for the with the girls screaming "Love me now!Love me now! Harder and harder..."
known asĞ - or white voice'.)
It's not often that Eurovision tosses out a song that about a millennial's quarter-life crisis, grappling with an estranged parent's secret addiction to prescription SebiSlovene
G minor
No108bpm
Two RhyeA brother and sister art collective
Although this song is a prime candidate to
get lost in among all the spectacle of the an earnest indie boy-girl duo at Eurovision.So it may just squeak through - only to get
roundly ignored on Saturday.Lake Malawi
English
D minor
No106bpm
ThreeVan She
Uniqlo models
The band claim they took the inspiration for
their name from the Bon Iver songCalgary
because he mentions a lake in it - even though Lake Malawi is 15,000km away from most of Calgary's major bodies of water.If you're curious about the relative
mineral contents of Lake Malawi's water vs Calgary's primary reservoirs, then theCalgary Aquarium Society has you covered
Joci Pápai
Hungarian
Eb minor
No 96bpmTwo
Joci Pápai
Chabuddy G
Since he was last at Eurovision, Joci has
been showing his funnier side on Hungary'sYour Face Sounds Familiar - as Boy George
a surprising Top Ten success in 2017 withOrigo. And
while it's certainly possible that the Eurovision audience is crying out for more Hungarian language ZENALike It
English
G minor
No105bpm
ThreeDua Lipa
Chloe Madeley
Third place of series 10 of
"Put your favourite sneakers on /If you're into Russian-dubbed versions of
before. She's the voice of Moana in Moana in Russia. After years of trying - and failing - to represent her home nation in the reliably unwatchable noncefest that nomination for the adult competition. (And can probably still count on the nonce vote too...) KrunaSerbian / English
Ab minor
No 6/8 53bpmBalkan power ballad
Runner-up on series two of
Prvi Glas Grbije
Nevena isn't new to Eurovision, as she was
previously a member of the girl band MojeLjubav Je Svuda in 2013).
More interesting though was her turn in
Junior Eurovision, in 2007.
a three minute morsel to sample - which you can then EliotWake Up
English
G minor
No TwoBastille
Simon from
The Inbetweeners
Series 7 of The Voice Belgique
Eliot's co-writer on this also wrote Blanche's
City Lights - which came fourth in the
contest in 2017. Over the last decade, the Belgians have had patchy form with their entries. Oscillating between failing to qualify from the semis and comfortably hitting the TopRhythm Inside and City Lights, they
didn't qualify last year. So this year is probably good?B minor
No120bpm
TwoChris Cornell in a
musicalThe lead singer from
The Commitments
Winner of Geostar
Runner up of
Winner of Georgian Idol
in Eurovision. It's the 71st language to be heard in the competition so far - behindJapanese, Udmurt, Antillean Creole and
Mühlviertlerisch.
The X Factor to show
, it was only a matter of time before someone tried a twee, atKate Miller-Heidke
Zero Gravity
English
Eb minor
No132bpm
ThreeKatherine Jenkins doing a bank advert
Kaley Cuoco
An opera singer in a huge, lighty-up, blue
dress. Wherever did they get the idea...?Hatari
Hatrið mun sigra
Icelandic
E minor
Yes110bpm
ThreeMarilyn Manson goes electro
"Debauchery unconstrained! /Hangover uncontained!"
cage, bashing it with a huge cotton bud) is the son of Iceland's ambassador to the UK.The children of Iceland have really taken to
Hatari, making their own costumes, forming
tribute acts and singing at school concerts. Some of the more conservative countries in the contest lost their collective shit when a bearded lady won in 2014, lamenting that Eurovision had become a "hotbed
Victor Crone
StormEnglish
D Major
No128bpm
ThreeA wet tribute to Avicii
A sketchy nightclub owner in
Hollyoaks
calledStorm) would suggest the opposite,
inclement weather is actually a fairly strong topic to sing about. Songs that feature rain, thunder, lightning and storms in the lyricsHeroes
Calm After The Storm
Hard Rock Hallelujah
The well-established cheat in Eurovision is to hire a Swede to write your song but Estonia's decided to go one further. They've hired a Swede to come and perform the by Estonia's Simon Cowell, Victor is a massive ringer... but Portugal clearly isn't in a hurry to host the competition again...Telemóveis
Portuguese
E minor
No123bpm
An interpretative dance show written to
teach kids about the dangers of online radicalisationJames Franco in
Spring Breakers
"Snitchery never gave birth to anyone"When he was doing promo for this, Conan
sang a version of it on the Portuguese equivalent ofGood Morning Britain where
he and his guitarist started singing, on air,The clitoris is the only part of a woman's
body that was designed to give pleasure.Katerine Duska
Better Love
English
Eb Major
No 88bpmFour
Florence Welch
Marina Diamandis
Canadian-Greek Katerine is really keen to
let it be known that she has proper indie credentials. Something she's attempted to demonstrate by doing a John Lewis ad/Live Lounge-style version of the Arctic
Monkeys'
Do I Wanna Know?
Fame Academy? Well, when he's not
busy writing songs for Lana Del Rey, Nicole ScherzingerSerhat
Say Na Na Na
English
C# minor
No118bpm
TwoGianluca Vialli
"Don't forget my number, call me anytime /I will always tell you life is beautiful and
the host of the Turkish version ofJeopardy.
roughly the same as Bridlington) but we didn't realise they had so few available acts on hand. Still, better to see Serhat again than getting ValentinaMonetta for the
of the usual sorts of batshittery we've come to expect from the contest - focusing instead on the torture of existence, emotional anguish and the pain of losing loved ones - but there's still plenty to get your teeth into... #CountryWhich One Is That? SrbukEnglish
F minor
No130bpm
ThreeTori Amos
A pre-fame Gaga
Runner-up in
X Factor Armenia
Fourth place in The Voice of Ukraine
"Are you from those / Who will swallow down / The pain, disgrace?"The lyrics for this were written by Garik
Papoyan, the co-writer of Armenia's most
successful song in a decade, Aram MP3's dubstep balladNot Alone.
in an impressive performance since they debuted in 2006 (and have yet to properly embarrass themselves the way that some of the old guard continually do) but neverSarah McTernan
22English
C Major
No125bpm
ThreeJack Whitehall in drag
Came third in
The staging of this song looks like a diner
designed by Cath Kidson - which means its going to be an absolute slam dunk with the Sarah McTernan tried to enter Eurovision last year as - but, seeing as the Sanmarinese selection process is for the best. StayEnglish
C minor
Yes 78bpmFour